I have love for you, you're my family
by Jinxgirl
Summary: Slightly related short stories about the Kurtcheltana/ Dantana New York gang. Circa season 4/5.
1. Chapter 1

Author notes: These are a set of unrelated fics having to do with the Kurtcheltana gang with Dani sometimes thrown in. I own nothing.

Late night TV

It had become one of those hours where it was unclear whether it was still late evening or had become early morning, a suspended time in between days when even the city noise seemed to have soften into barely more than a background buzz, and the muted volume of the television and the soft, even breathing of the woman curled against her side had become much more prominent to Santana's hearing. Santana wasn't tired, exactly, but she was very comfortable, her eyes heavy and only half open where she leaned into Dani's shoulder, Dani's cheek resting on top of her own head. Dani's arm was wound around her waist, her fingers lightly stroking in rhythmic up and down movement over Santana's side, and Santana had her own hand resting on Dani's upper thigh, her own fingers slowly caressing over the material of Dani's jeans.

It was an entirely too domestic scene, Santana knew distantly, especially considering that she had only known Dani for a few weeks, been dating her for an even lesser period of time. But then, she herself was getting entirely too "tame" if she thought about it, which she basically tried not to, because the thought of her life now with Kurt Hummel and Rachel Berry, of all people, was enough to cause her to either roll her eyes and groan with disbelief, shaking her head with something between dismay and reluctant amusement, or if she was honest, to try and fail to hide a smile. Three years ago, even two years ago, no one could have possibly convinced her that it was even remotely conceivable that she would willingly tolerate being in the company of Kurt "Lady Hummel" or Rachel "Man Hands" for more than ten minutes. If she had been informed that she would not only live with them, but actually enjoy being around them, that she would not only get along with them, but consider them her best friends, even her family, she would have gone all Lima Heights on someone's ass for even making such a ridiculous statement. And for someone to tell her that the words "love" would not only cross her mind, but also leave her lips, in reference to the two of them…well, she probably would have just burst into hysterical laughter.

But it was true, all of it. It was true that she had gotten to the point where she actually tuned out the sound of Rachel practicing her vocal scales at the ungodly hour of six am in the shower, and she no longer batted an eye at the other girl's extensive nightly ritual to prepare for bed, nor towards Kurt's large assortment of hair care products or moisturizer taking up precious space in their bathroom. She almost didn't notice when Rachel's voice started to climb the scale in volume and intensity when she got excited or when Kurt's voice cracked when he got pissed, and she actually sort of liked what she had once declared was Rachel's "disgusting pet food shit" and that some of Kurt's stupid fashion and cooking shows actually weren't that bad. She only pretended consternation when they forced her into playing roommate game nights together, and she got just as into winning rounds of Apples to Apples or Trivial Pursuit or Scene it, if not more so, than either of her very competitive roommates. And their musical nights that Rachel had insisted on, where they watched a musical on subtitles and each had to sing parts? She wouldn't dare admit it to them or anyone else, but she actually looked forward to them.

Obviously, living with Kurt and Rachel had blunted a lot of edges that Santana couldn't really say she was entirely unhappy about having smoothed down, at least in her own thoughts. She had almost feared what Dani would think, the first time she ever came home with her and saw their own weird little triage outside of work, the way too geeky and familiar way they operated with each other. Moreover, she had dreaded how the all-too-interested-and-invasive Kurt and Rachel would drink in her every word, action, and look towards Dani, and Dani's towards her, not-so-subtly trying to push Dani even further towards "falling for" her, and ready to pounce with gleeful observations the second she headed out the door.

It wasn't that she didn't appreciate their support and interest, in a distant, leave me the hell alone sort of way. It was just that they could be really mortifying- especially when Dani smiled back at them like she was totally on their side and didn't mind mocking Santana too.

She had to give them at least some credit though, they had been relatively quiet and casual when they passed by to prepare for bed tonight and saw that Santana and Dani had claimed the couch for themselves, and not in a distant, we-have-amble-personal-space kind of way. At least, as quiet and casual as Rachel and Kurt ever could manage to be about possible romantic interests that were more than just a one night stand on her or anyone's part. They had managed to restrain themselves into simply sharing a huge grin between them and announcing with unnecessary emphasis that they were very tired and would head off to bed to leave the two of them alone, accompanied by a big wink on Rachel's part towards Santana, as though Dani was oblivious enough not to notice, or else assume she had a rather obvious tic in her eye. Or actually, when Santana stopped to think about it, it was more than possible that the wink had been intended towards Dani, who never seemed to miss a chance to tease Santana in return.

They had made good on their word to leave them alone, however, and the evening had passed in relatively private snuggling, with several brief kisses that only the thought of Rachel and Kurt, no doubt listening with rapt attention behind their curtain dividends, had stopped from becoming more. As Santana's eyes closed a little further, her slow stroking of Dani's thigh almost stopping entirely, she almost didn't notice the sitcom rerun on the television giving out to the commercials. It wasn't like she was interested in buying a new car or washing machine, Prozac or-

But then her ears took in the sound of an all too familiar voice on the television, and on instinct she bolted up, the top of her head knocking hard against Dani's cheek in her haste. As Dani made a startled, pained noise in response, straightening up too and lifting a hand to touch her stinging cheekbone, Santana's eyes darted over the surface of the couch, floor closest to it, and the coffee table as she looked with near panic for the remote control. If she didn't change the channel, and immediately, well, the embarrassment she had thought Kurt and Rachel capable of providing her with in Dani's presence had just been exponentially multiplied without them having to say or do anything at all.

"Santana, what are you doing?" Dani was staring at her, hand still held against her cheek, eyebrows raised as Santana's hands roamed over the couch, feeling in between the cushions and then bending over to look beneath it as well. Then her eyes drifted up towards the television screen, and she gave a soft gasp, one hand touching Santana's back from where the other girl was still bent over, long hair brushing the floor as she continued to search, almost frantic, for the missing remote control.

"That commercial- Santana, is that YOU?"

"No," Santana ground out through her teeth, but even as she straightened up and pulled away from Dani, deliberately keeping her face turned from her as she swept a hand uselessly over the coffee table, knowing the remote clearly wasn't resting on it, she could feel her face growing hot.

She knew the commercial was stupid and over the top, of course it was. It wasn't exactly what she'd pick as the first stepping stone of a career. But nevertheless she had been proud to be in a commercial at all, even if it did happen to be one for yeast infection medication. Rachel had understood her excitement and been genuinely happy for her without any mocking at all, but Dani, Santana wasn't sure would be able to hold back the teasing, and it was from Dani that it would be genuinely embarrassing.

"Yes it is!" Dani's voice sounded much too awake now, much too excited- and much too amused. Santana's long fingernails unconsciously bit into her palms, and she felt the flushing of her cheeks spread down over her neck and chest as well as Dani gave her shoulder a little affectionate shove, leaning forward eagerly towards the television. "Santana, you're on tv! Why didn't you tell me?!"

"Dani, don't watch that," Santana almost pleaded, and she reached out to cover Dani's eyes with one hand, unsurprised when Dani knocked her hand aside with little effort, then took the hand and pinned it in her lap, squeezing her fingers- all the while never letting her eyes swerve from the screen for a second. "Where's the friggin' remote?"

"This remote?" Dani grinned, holding up the missing remote with the hand not holding down Santana's, even giving it a little wave in the air for emphasis- even as her eyes remained on the screen and she held the remote at an ample distance away from Santana. "I don't see any need for it when something so interesting is on. I mean, what better to watch than an ad about…did they call that thing YEAST-I-STAT?!"

The only thing Santana could be grateful for at the moment was that Rachel and Kurt seemed to be asleep, because she could only imagine the amount of giggling that would have erupted from behind the curtains at this if they weren't. Lunging across Dani's back on the couch, she tried to grab at the remote, but Dani shoved her back from her again, then wrapped a surprisingly strong arm around her waist, laughing and keeping Santana's arms partly pinned down against her as she continued to watch. It was too late to even bother trying to fight her anymore; too much damage had been done, and the commercial only had a few more seconds left as it was. Santana gave up, slumping into Dani's side, knowing very well how very red her face still must be as the last refrains of her own voice, announcing "I'm free!" in apparent ecstasy ended the commercial. For Dani, at least, this seemed to be the final straw.

"You're…free?" she turned towards Santana, seeming to be at least attempting to keep a straight face, even as her lips quirked and twitched and her eyes shone with her amusement. "Free of your…yeast? You mean…it went scat? With Yeast-i-stat?"

She burst out laughing then, dropping the remote as she wrapped both arms around Santana, leaning her head against the side of the other girl's as she continued to snicker, hugging her loosely in a manner that was conveying almost as much reassurance as playfulness.

"Yeast in your bagel…but not in your MUFFIN?!"

She broke out into laughter all over again, as Santana only half-heartedly attempted to shrug her off, not really minding or wanting to get out of the hug, and tried to scowl at her, but it was hard to be too embarrassed with Dani's arms around her.

"Yeah, yeah, I spoke the lines, didn't write the script," she muttered, but she was starting to smile back in spite of herself.

Especially when Dani put a hand to her face, turning her back towards her by the chin, and with a more serious expression, leaned in to gently kiss her lips before pulling back, her hand still resting with gentle affection on her face.

"Hey, that's amazing though, Santana. I'm proud of you."

Santana's efforts at a glare died immediately then, and her face softened into a smile that was almost shy as she looked back at Dani, seeing the genuineness of her words. Sliding her arm around Dani's waist, she leaned in to kiss her back, her hand gently rubbing over Dani's side.

It was a nice moment…at least until Dani pulled back and grinned all over again, wiggling her eyebrows mischievously.

"So if muffins are bad, how do you feel about whipped cream and apple pie? Or should we stick with donut holes?"

"Go with the donut holes, there's less mess and clean up!" came a shout from behind Kurt's curtain, and as Dani broke into even louder laughter than before, a second reply came from Rachel's.

"Actually, isn't cherry pie more strongly related to sexual innuendo of some nature, due to the usage of cherry as a synonym for female virginity?"

"If you two say one more word or step one foot out from behind those curtains, you're gonna find the sharpest heel of my tallest boots stuffed up both your asses and there ain't gonna be no sexual innuendo about it," Santana called back to them, but even then, even with her face about as red as the cherry pie filling Rachel had mentioned, even with both her roommates and her girlfriend laughing at her, she found herself accepting Dani's kiss, and even returning it; she even sort of enjoyed what it felt like, for the other girl to still be laughing as she covered her lips with her own.

So maybe letting herself be the butt of a joke at the hands of three people, two of them being Kurt and Rachel, of all people, made her whipped and soft as…well, whipped cream wasn't too far off the mark there. But she guessed when it came down to it, maybe it wasn't all that bad a thing to be.


	2. Chapter 2

Sick

Sprawled on her stomach on the couch, a heavy blanket twisted around her torso, though one socked foot stuck out, resting on the armrest, Santana growled under her breath, shoving the blanket further off of her so it slipped down to her waist, but didn't entirely fall off her to the floor. She kicked her sticking-out foot restlessly, not at anything in particular at first, then at the armrest, before flipping herself over somewhat clumsily onto her back, rolling her eyes up to the ceiling with a loud huff. She had laid fierce and unwavering claim to the couch as her own personal property in the past couple of days, which by extension also meant she laid claim to the coffee table, any books or magazines that happened to be resting within reach of it, the TV, and of course, the TV remote. God help anyone (namely, Kurt) who tried to challenge her as to otherwise, because, depending upon their chosen timing, they would get an earful of either Snixx at her loudest volume and sharpest tongue, or else a whining, tearful Santana approximate to her having consumed at least 5 tequila shots.

The abrupt attempt at movement on Santana's part jarred forth a series of deep coughs that seemed to her to start from her diaphragm, badly hurting her already sore, scratchy throat and her somewhat queasy stomach. Sitting up with some difficulty, just barely bothering to cover her mouth with the crook of her elbow, Santana's efforts to swallow back her coughing only increased the intensity of it, and she almost gagged, her back tensing up and a sharp shudder running down her spine. When the fit ended, she let out a long, miserable moan of frustration and threw herself back again onto the couch cushions, head tilted back, some of her hair falling across her eyes and irritating her by a few of its strands entering her mouth as well. Closing her eyes and clearing the hair from her mouth with one hand, Santana called out to the apartment in general her all-too-frequent refrain of the past several days.

"I HATE BEING SICK!"

"We've heard," was Kurt's wry response from the kitchen area, where he was calmly watching her dramatics, heating up a can of soup that was supposed to be her lunch- lunch she had already voiced, more than once, that she had no intention of eating. "The last seventeen times or so you informed us, actually."

"It's not fair!" Santana growled, kicking her foot again, and further detaching the blanket from around herself. Although she was hot now, her skin flushed and slightly sweaty, her muscles aching beneath the blanket, she knew too that as soon as she threw it off entirely, she would begin to shiver from sudden cold. There was no happy medium for her at the moment, or even a bland medium, for that matter, and seeing Kurt standing apart from her in relative comfort temperature-wise was doing nothing to appease her mood.

"We've heard that one too," Kurt reminded her as he removed the soup bowl from the microwave, checking the temperature, and gathered a spoon, saltines, and ginger ale from their separate places in the kitchen, lining them up on a tray to carry in to her. "Not quite as often as the hating being sick part, but it's getting there."

"I hate you too," Santana shot back, glaring, an effect that was not quite as fierce as it was intended to be when it was interrupted immediately after by repeated sniffling and the back of her hand frantically pressed beneath her nose in her effort to stifle a sneeze. She was unsuccessful in doing so, and instead sneezed twice, towards her blanket-covered lap. Sniffling again, swiping beneath her nose with the back of her hand without bothering to reach for the box of tissues approximately two feet from her on the coffee table, Santana gave a still more dramatic moan, doubling over so her face was buried in her knees.

"I'm dyinggggg!"

"Kurt, do you think she really is?" came Rachel's anxious voice from behind the relatively "sterile and germ-free" safety of her curtain, and Santana heard footsteps and the curtain being parted slightly, guessing that Rachel's head was peeking out from behind it as she addressed Kurt. The other girl had taken up semi-permanent residence there around the same time Santana and her sickness had claimed the couch, declaring that it wasn't that she wasn't sympathetic to her, as Santana had repeatedly accused, but rather that with all her rehearsals, she simply couldn't afford to get sick, which would lower her energy and possibly damage her voice. Santana's view of that was that Rachel was trying to torture her as much as possible, by assigning Kurt as sole caretaker. Kurt, who didn't even verbally claim to be "sympathetic," and in fact seemed to be more "exasperated," "logical," or worse, "amused."

"YES!" Santana bellowed back, which triggered another coughing episode that left her hunched miserably towards her knees, whining without words at its conclusion with involuntary tears stinging her eyes. As Kurt set the tray on the coffee table, lightly resting a hand on her back, he called back to Rachel nevertheless, that infuriating amusement still obvious in his tone.

"Of course she's not, Rachel, she's being melodramatic, which shouldn't exactly be a shock after three days of this. She has a cold, possibly a mild case of the flu, but there's no need to write any last rites…although hers might be interesting, if she had any influence on them," he smirked, lightly drumming his fingers on her spine, made prominent through her pajama top in her hunched posture. "Possibly capable of bringing small children to tears of terror."

"I'll write YOUR last rites, Hummel," Santana muttered resentfully into her knees, reaching back blindly to hit out at him, but he easily ducked his head aside, moving his hand to her shoulder and giving it a light push.

"Sit up and eat, Santana, and no, I'm not feeding you, you might be a grouchy, snotty mess, but you're not an invalid on top of it, and last I checked your arms still worked fine."

"You'll see just how fine when I punch you in your huge sparkling lady lips, Hummel," she mumbled, not yet doing as he asked, but even with her face hidden she could still hear Rachel perfectly well through the curtain.

"Kurt, when you touch her and sit near her, you disinfect yourself as soon as you leave the general vicinity of her presence, right? Because if you aren't, and you then go into the kitchen and touch the refrigerator and the microwave, or the cups and utensils, well, then there is very little point in me even attempting to barricade myself into a contained zone of sanitation, because the moment I venture outside of it for meals-"

Santana sat up fast then, her elbow knocking into Kurt's arm as she scooped up the trash can beside her, half full of used tissues and various trash items, and taking a handful of the tissues, she balled them up and tossed them in the direction of Rachel's head, still poking out from behind her curtain. For the first time she grinned as Rachel shrieked, enjoying the horror in the girl's eyes as she immediately retreated again behind the curtain.

"SANTANA! That is digusting, and VERY unsanitary!" she sputtered, and Santana could hear her moving around behind the curtain, no doubt digging in her purse for her hand sanitizer and possibly vitamins. Santana snickered, the noise provoking further coughing that she nevertheless wasn't as irritated by in her amusement.

"Nah, what's unsanitary is my plan to come in your bed and give you a good night kiss today, tongue included," she threatened, snickering again when she heard Rachel's gasp in response.

"You WOULDN'T! Santana, no, please, you KNOW I can't get sick now-"

"Santana, eat," Kurt rolled his eyes, exhaling loudly, but Santana didn't fail to notice the little smirk playing at the corner of his lips. "Your soup is getting cold and I'm not heating it up again. AND I'm not making you anything else."

"I'm not hungry," she protested, her tone sliding back into a whine as he succeeded in distracting her from her momentary enjoyment of her efforts to torment Rachel. Slouching back against the cushions again, she pulled the blanket back around her shoulders, giving a slight shiver; with it absent from her upper body, she had now found herself cold again, as seemed to be the recurring pattern. "I don't want to."

"Eat," Kurt's tone was business, leaving little room for argument, and from behind the curtain Rachel's voice piped up too, back to earnest now as she appeared to have at least somewhat recovered from her earlier indignation.

"Yes, Santana, if you don't provide your body with nourishment and fluids on a regular and consistent basis when you are ill, it can't recuperate and rebuild the antibodies it needs to make you well again. You have to- Santana, was that into a tissue, you know I've told you not to sneeze uncovered, sneezes can travel up to 100 miles per hour and this is a very thin curtain only about twenty-five feet away," her lecture took a sudden detour in focus when Santana sneezed loudly, three times in a row, in the middle of it. "Santana, you better not be throwing tissues at my curtain again!" was her addition twenty seconds later, eighteen seconds too late to stop the Latina from doing exactly that. "That is SO DISGUSTING!"

"I'm not picking it up," was Kurt's only comment in regards to this, coupled with a loud sigh. "Santana, just eat already before I provide Rachel with a mask and gloves so she can safely come in here and dump this soup over your head."

"I'm strongly tempted to do so!" Rachel called back. "It would be a sanitation risk, but very satisfying!"

"Kurt, I don't wanna eat…I'm cold," Santana whined, even as she allowed him to push her back into a fully sitting up position and settled the tray on her lap. "I wanna cuddle…how come you two losers never want to cuddle anyone?"

"Maybe because you preface the request by calling us "losers" and don't bother to blow your nose on a consistent basis?" Kurt raised his eyebrows, nodding towards her dripping nose, and as Santana wiped it, scowling down at the soup but nevertheless picking up her spoon, he added, "I'll get you your girlfriend pillow, but not until you're done eating."

She grumbled a little further but did proceed to eat; she had eaten most of what he had given her when Rachel piped up from behind the curtain again.

"Has anyone picked up those mucus-infected tissues yet? Because I really can't leave this area until they're gone, if I were to accidentally step on one-"

"I swear, Berry, you're getting kissed, right here, right now," Santana threatened, and as she shoved the remnants of her lunch onto the coffee table and struggled to her feet, shoving her blankets onto the floor as she started to stagger towards Rachel's area of the apartment, she was infuriated when she stumbled, her head spinning, and had to put out her arms for balance. When Kurt came up behind her and took hold of her, easily supporting her and deflecting her from fighting him back, she growled under her breath, further irritated to realize she couldn't get away from him. KURT HUMMEL she couldn't fight off…being sick SUCKED!

"Don't embarrass yourself, Lopez, you have a fever," Kurt rolled his eyes as he steered her back towards the couch and pushed her by the shoulders back down onto it. "You'd just end up falling at her feet and be unable to get back up. Go to sleep."

"I hate you," Santana muttered, more to herself than to either of them as she let herself fall back into the couch, begrudgingly accepting and hugging to her the girlfriend pillow that Kurt retrieved and held out to her. Stifling her coughing against its arm, she clutched it to her, her face scrunching up with misery. "I hate you both, you both suck so much."

But when Kurt sat down beside her and looped a loose arm around her, she let him, without any further comments; she even leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder, and closed her eyes. She remained quiet when she felt his fingers lightly brush over her hair, and gradually let herself relax against him, drifting into sleep. She was pretty sure at some point, right before she was fully unconscious, she felt his lips brush her forehead.

When she woke a few hours later, feeling marginally less congested, her throat slightly less pained upon swallowing, Kurt was in the shower, and Rachel, she supposed, was either out of the apartment or still hiding in her own area. But nevertheless, there was set in front of Santana on the coffee table a dose of cold medication, a glass of orange juice, a new Elle magazine, her favorite DVD, and a fresh box of tissues, all neatly arranged around a note written in Rachel's handwriting.

"Santana, hope you feel better soon. Love you. Germless emoticon hug x0 J "

Hugging her girlfriend pillow, Santana's lips curved into a small smile. They did both suck, but she guessed she could put up with them.


	3. Chapter 3

Intervention

"Santana…the time has come," Kurt intoned dramatically, and Santana's head shot up, her muscles tensing as her eyes shifted with great suspicion between him and Rachel lurking just behind him, where they both loomed much too close for her to allow for an acceptable degree of personal space. It was true, of course, that neither Lady Hummel nor Hobbit Berry had a great deal regard for that even in usual circumstances, but the way they were hover over her now, and the grim looks on their faces…well that could only mean-

"This is an intervention," Kurt finished in the same all too serious tone, holding both hands out as though in an offering of peace- or perhaps simply to be more prepared to ward off Santana's fists, if they started swinging. "You won't do this on your own, so as your roommates and your friends, what you once referred to as your family, we are forced to do this for you."

"It's for your own good, Santana," Rachel piped up from behind him, her dark brown eyes wide and much too earnest for Santana to be able to stand. "We're doing this because we care about you and the state of your relationships, for your health-"

"Don't even try it," Santana warned, hurriedly getting to her feet and sticking her finger in the direction of Kurt's face. She got only mild satisfaction from watching him flinch backward, brief but genuine fear in his eyes at the gesture, and she drew herself up to her fullest height, although this was still shorter than he was, as she was barefoot. It was also somewhat disgruntling that, as it was late evening, all three of them were in pajamas, and hers happened to be baggy flannel bottoms with a mismatched oversized t-shirt that made her look smaller than she actually was, but she worked with what she had, hoping attitude would make up for it. It damn well better, because this threat her overly well-intentioned roommates were posing was serious.

"It won't take long if you'll just come with us and cooperate," Kurt promised, keeping a safer distance from her now, but nevertheless close enough that he still cringed when she made a threatening swipe towards him again. "Really, Santana, if you would just listen and-"

"It's not gonna take any time at all because it's not gonna happen!" Santana shot back, shaking her head vehemently, again jabbing a finger in Kurt's direction and then towards Rachel as well to include her. "Do you know how long it took me to get this way, do you know how much I had to work for this?! No way are you taking this away from me!"

"Santana, if you would just let us help you-" Rachel started, and Kurt added in overtop her, "Santana, be reasonable-" both who were drowned out by Santana's adamant response.

"No, I said no, there is no fucking way I'm letting you cut my nails!"

She had intended for the shout to sound fierce and terrifying, to scare them off from even thinking of proceeding against her wishes. But instead, both Kurt and Rachel looked at her for a few seconds, then burst out laughing. In fact, Rachel was giggling so hard she ended up covering her mouth with her hand and leaning against Kurt for support. As Santana glowered at them, crossing her arms over her chest, both of them continued to snort and snicker, clearly not finding her nearly as badass as they were supposed to.

"D-do you know what you sounded like?" Kurt gasped, and the grin breaking out over his face, directed at HER, was enough to make Santana want to slap him. "L-like a little toddler diva…refusing to wash her hair or take a bath or go to bed…what was the name of that little girl on Toddler and Tiaras…"

"Honey Boo Boo?" Rachel gasped, and the name alone, though Santana had no idea who that was, was enough to make her lunge at Kurt, attempting to demonstrate exactly what the very nails they were thinking needed cut could do to him if she chose. Even as he ducked and blocked her, no longer laughing quite so much, Rachel was earnestly questioning his description in the background, musing aloud. "I really don't think that was an entirely accurate analogy, Kurt, as Honey Boo Boo is quite obese and is also a white child who I believe is from a lower socioeconomic status and certainly a different cultural region and ethnic group than Santana. I have no personally watched her show, however, so perhaps there are similarities that I have no knowledge of-"

"You're comparing me to a fat white kid called HONEY BOO BOO?!" Santana shrieked, grabbing up a couch cushion and hitting Kurt with it almost hard enough to knock him to the ground, and he was laughing even as he tried to ward her off, gasping for breath.

"N-no…even Honey Boo Boo cuts her fingernails…"

"I'll show you why I hang on to these friggin' fingernails, Lady Lips," she threatened, hitting him with a pillow again and moving as though intending to scratch him, but Rachel came up behind her and enfolded her in an embrace from behind, resting her chin on her shoulder and also effectively pinning her arms to her sides. Santana tried to shove her off, but Rachel, freakishly small as she was, was also stronger than she looked and managed to hold her own.

"Santana, we've talked about this," she said in an infuriatingly reasonable yet soothing tone, still keeping her chin hooked over Santana's shoulder, even giving her a little squeeze as though Santana were welcoming an embrace rather than being forced into submission. "Your nails are certainly much too long to be able to perform daily tasks with optimal efficiency and comfort. Not to mention they are capable of drawing blood-"

"That's why they're awesome!" Santana protested, even as her efforts to shrug Rachel off her became half-hearted, then stopped altogether as she slumped back into her. No doubt noticing this, Rachel leaned her head against the side of Santana's, continuing to talk in what Santana recognized and resented- but often ended up giving into- as her "convincing" tone.

"Santana, long fingernails become storehouses for bacteria and dirt, and as you generally paint your nails you probably don't even notice what becomes wedged beneath them as you cannot see through the polish. You could end up getting sick much more easily and then your dance classes will have to stop. You wouldn't be able to go to work and you'd get behind bills and rent. Long fingernails means you could accidentally scratch yourself in your sleep and the bacteria wedged beneath could mix with your blood and you could end up with a staph infection, which could mean scarring and hospitalizations and even amputation. There is also-"

"Rachel…cut to the part where she cares?" Kurt interrupted, raising an eyebrow, and Rachel nodded, seeming to understand immediately.

"Oh, yes. Also, I cannot imagine that Dani will feel comfortable engaging in certain sexual activities if she fears that your fingernails will cause her pain in sensitive places."

And as Kurt had predicted, this was in fact a thought that immediately struck Santana as a genuine problem. As her mouth opened, then closed, she slumped back even more fully against Rachel, her scowl deepening, even as she nodded begrudgingly.

"Fine, whatever. But if you do them a quarter of a millimeter less than I say's okay, or don't shape them right, or make my cuticles bleed…"

She was still listening minute specifics of exactly how her nails had to look to meet her standards of acceptance as Kurt went to fetch the nail clippers, file, and polish, and as he returned she had to reluctantly acknowledge that at least if she were going to get her nails cut, Kurt of all people definitely had a decent set of his own to judge by.


	4. Chapter 4

Score sheets

"Hi, guys," Rachel called out as she came through the front door of her shared apartment, raising her hand in a wave as she took off her coat and hung it on the hook beside the door. When her roommates looked up but barely acknowledged her, she raised an eyebrow.

"Well hello to you too…what are you doing?" Rachel asked, tilting her head curiously as she walked towards the living area of their apartment, where Santana was bent over, her right arm curved around a sheet of notebook paper protectively as she wrote with her left hand, frequently glancing up towards Kurt in a suspicious manner. For his part, Kurt was slumped back in their armchair, shaking his head with his eyes rolled up towards the ceiling, his posture quite obviously proclaiming exasperation and perhaps disgust. He seemed to be expressing no interest whatsoever in looking at whatever it was that Santana was writing, but she seemed unconvinced of this as she continue to look back over her shoulder at him, giving him a glower every time.

"She's being completely ridiculous and offensive, as per usual," was Kurt's response, accompanied by a loud sigh, and Santana curved her arm even more firmly around the paper, shifting her shoulder to further block his view even as he made no effort whatsoever to see her writing.

"No, I'm experimenting with math and proving a point," she shot back, and from what Rachel could see of her face when she briefly looked up, she was rolling her eyes back at him. "You say shit you can't back up, I'm gonna school you hard, whether you like it or not. So keep your ass sat down and prepare for an education."

"Santana, frankly, when it comes to your sexual pleasure, I would very much prefer to remain happily ignorant for the rest of my life," Kurt replied, exhaling loudly, and Rachel looked between them, giving a faint laugh of surprise as her interest remained piqued. She walked the rest of the way into the living area and sat down on the couch behind Santana, leaning forward to try to see her paper.

"Okay, you definitely have my attention aroused…what have you two been doing with yourselves in my absence?"

"Bet that ain't gonna be the only thing that's aroused by the time it's all said and done," Santana smirked, effortlessly reaching back to shove Rachel back from her as the girl leaned in, now shifting so her back and shoulders were blocking Rachel's side rather than Kurt's. Her determined secretiveness could not have been more effective in piquing Rachel's curiosity, and the other girl leaned in again, trying to see despite Santana's efforts.

"What are you doing, Santana?"

"I'm showing Kurt how wrong he is," Santana replied, lifting her writing hand to swipe out at Rachel, and Rachel had to lean back again to avoid getting a pencil in the eye. As she squawked at her, indignant, Kurt sighed, still shaking his head.

"You know you're the one who started this, Santana."

"I'm not the one implying people are drunken skanks who don't remember enough to know if they're actually good in bed or not," Santana snapped back, even as Kurt sat up, his own voice rising slightly.

"I'm not the one calling people a tight-assed semi virgin just because they've only had sex with two people rather than a quarter of the population of New York City!"

"I haven't even had sex with a quarter of the people in this ROOM, let alone the population of New York City, so if you're taking another train trip down Bitch Express-"

"So much for your math experiments, there's not even enough people in this room to have even fourths-"

"Whoa, both of you, stop, stop," Rachel held up both hands, sitting up straight on the couch, and when Santana moved to cover her paper automatically, she exhaled impatiently, rolling her eyes. "No, I'm not trying to peek…yet. But both of you have to stop this, this is not an example of the harmonious or at the very least civil roommate relationships we have all agreed we will strive for. Now if you will just explain one at a time what it is that happened and what it is you are doing now, I am sure we can reason this out and go back to a somewhat peaceful existence."

"You heard him, he acted like I'm such a whore I don't remember the names of everyone I've slept with," Santana abandoned her writing just long enough to cross her arms over her chest, glaring in Kurt's direction. "And then he gots the nerve to insult my skills? He's lucky he's still got a penis, if he ever did in the first place."

"That, that is exactly what starts this sort of thing!" Kurt pointed to Santana, gesturing emphatically. "She makes an emasculating comment and implies I'm a woman or a virgin or significantly unattractive, and she thinks that is just par for course and no one will ever get pushed to the point of retaliation!"

"Please, if I was retaliating, you'd be on the fucking floor in pain," Santana rolled her eyes again as she turned back to her paper. "I'm just making a point."

"And…what point are you making, exactly?" Rachel tried to follow along, and after scribbling down one last line, Santana thrust it to her at last.

"This. See?"

As Rachel skimmed over her rather sloppy handwriting, her eyes widened, and she nearly stammered, caught somewhere between dismay and amusement.

"Is this a…sexual scoring sheet?!"

"Basically," was Santana's shrugged reply. "He thinks I can't remember? I can give a whole friggin' ranking system."

"And…Kurt and I are BOTH ON IT?!" was Rachel's next sputtered reply, causing Kurt to bolt to his feet and over to Rachel to look on over her shoulder, as Santana shrugged again, nonplussed.

"Yeah, well, we didn't have sex, but there are sections for cuddling and you're both freakishly obsessed with forcing me to be included in that. Not to mention last New Year's, Rachel, when you were drunk off your ass, you couldn't seem to keep your hands OR your lips off me."

"That was a peck on the CHEEK at MIDNIGHT!" Rachel's voice rose still higher, as Santana grinned, stretching her arms in front of herself.

"Your lips touched the corner of my mouth. Totes counts. And then you were all over me in bed, your fingers made contact with my boob and that was totes a round trip to second."

"I was drunk and ASLEEP and YOU were the one who fell asleep in MY bed and wouldn't move!"

"Counts, Berry, counts. You're just jealous 'cause you barely scored above your ex in the bed department and you definitely lost out to Quinn."

And as Rachel skimmed down further, she saw that this was true.

Santana Lopez Sexual Scoring Sheet:

Puck:

Kissing: 6. Got to be like a vaccum suction after a while and too much tongue but he was enthusiastic anyway.

Touching: 5. Definitely didn't know how and where to touch a girl, typical guy.

Cuddling: 2. Dude didn't know such a thing existed.

Bedroom/Sex: 5. Typical guy who gets it done and then rolls over and is just done. Guy sex is so pointless.

Creativity: 3. Standard guy shit but licking the back of my neck was okay.

Sam:

Kissing: 7 his lips reminded me of Angelina Jolie which is totally hot

Touching: 5 he barely did touch me, he seemed practically afraid of me

Cuddling: 6 he seemed to want that more than sex which was totally weird

Bedroom/Sex: 3 the one time we did it was when I was drunk and I started crying halfway through so yeah

Creativity: 2 dude didn't even seem to know how to have sex period, let alone get creative with it

Quinn:

Kissing: 8 damn the girl knows her stuff, she must be a secret kiss slut

Touching: 9 all the celibacy in high school must have made her a damn good masturbator

Cuddling: 7 no complaints

Bedroom/Sex: frustrated and repressed girls can really get it out there

Creativity: 9 must be all the college brains at work

Finn:

Kissing: 2 god I don't know how Berry does it, it was like kissing a chapped city central

Touching: 5 the guy didn't know where to touch but at least he had the decency to keep asking if I was okay unlike Puck who just grabs and yanks

Cuddling: 4 the dude tried but ugh who the hell wants to cuddle that blubber

Bedroom/Sex: 3. He tried but there are just no points for trying in this game

Creativity: 2 no points there

Dave:

Kissing: 0 omg nastiest thing ever

Touching: 2 just wrong all around

Cuddling: 0 we never even tried, I would have broke out in hives

Bedroom/Sex: 0 I can't even imagine looking at that dick

Creativity: 7 hey at least this dude was a decent liar

Brittany:

Kissing: 10 holy shit the things she could do with her tongue

Touching: 10 she could teach classes for sure

Cuddling: 10 she was so long and warm and soft

Bedroom/Sex: 10 again, she should teach classes

Creativity: 10 I don't think there's a way to do it we never tried

Dani:

Kissing: 8 we're still moving slow but she makes me fucking glow

Touching: 9 she's really just so soft and she definitely knows what she's doing

Cuddling: 9 sometimes it's nice to be the taller one who can spoon

Bedroom/Sex: 9 oh she def knows

Creativity: 8 we're starting slow but she's no amateur for sure

Rachel:

Kissing: 4 the girl could definitely use some improvement, hello, tongue exists for a reason, but her lips are soft

Touching: 6 could use some pointers but she doesn't suck

Cuddling: 7 figures she'd know this one

Bedroom/Sex: 4 the woman is a slow mover

Creativity: 3 slowwww

Kurt:

Kissing: 0 ugh don't even make me sick

Touching: 3 most of the time he knows he'll lose a hand

Cuddling: 5 it's not totally disgusting

Bedroom/Sex: 0 I'm gonna vomit right now

Creativity: who even knows, he's probably got hidden kinks


	5. Chapter 5

Puppy pile

Kurt's eyes felt like sandpaper behind his closed lids, and even before he first attempted to open them he was pretty sure that even the low lighting of their apartment's scattered lamps would be too much for his eyes to be able to take in good grace. He cringed, momentarily shutting them more tightly against the dim light he could make out even with closed eyes, and then braced himself to open his eyes. His assumption that facing the light would be painful had been correct, and he flinched, squinting until his eyes adjusted enough for him to bear it more easily. His head was throbbing dully, his mouth dry, and when he attempted to clear his throat, his tongue briefly stuck to the roof of his mouth.

Coffee. Coffee was definitely in order. And not the sugary lattes or cappuccinos and Rachel and Santana seemed to prefer, but something strong enough to bring him and probably them too back from the brink of near death- or at least, what was looking to be a rather painful hangover.

It took Kurt a few more seconds to fully realize where he was, which happened to be on his back on the rug in the living room area by the coffee table. Even this realization was rather delayed in concluding in full in his thoughts, because as he tried to push himself to a sitting position, he misjudged the distance between himself and the coffee table and ended up smacking his forehead painfully on its corner, hard enough that he drew in a sharp breath and gasped out a high-pitched swear.

"Shuddup," came Santana's muffled and very groggy voice from somewhere nearby, and when the pain in Kurt's head had subsided enough for him to be able to look around to try to locate her, he saw that she was curled up with Dani in the armchair, rather awkwardly, both their legs draped partly over the armrest of one side, partly falling out towards the floor. Her face was buried in Dani's shoulder, most of the weight of her body stretched over hers, and even in his hungover state Kurt still managed to think that they must both or at least shortly would be very uncomfortable, given their twisted up positioning in such a small space after so many hours.

What time was it, anyway? Good thing it was a Saturday…it was, wasn't it?

As Kurt very slowly rolled himself away from range of the coffee table edge, then sat up, having to push off with both hands to do so, his stomach roiled, and he closed his eyes again, waiting it out, before trying to get to his feet. Once up he saw that Rachel too was sleeping or at least semi conscious nearby, sprawled across the length of their couch with one arm curled beneath her head. She definitely had gotten the most comfortable and spacious positioning of them all, and he shook his head to himself, a slightly amused, slightly annoyed smile quirking his lips, even though the slight movement was enough to make his head spin.

It was definitely going to be a long day. And what Kurt just couldn't seem to fathom, thinking back, was how the four of them had gone from "let's celebrate Rachel's role as Fanny by having a glass of wine or two to celebrate" into "let's all get so completely intoxicated that none of us could be bothered to even get ourselves to an actual bed?"

Kurt was pretty sure that however this change had come about, Santana had had something to do with it. If he thought back to it, yes, he was pretty sure he did remember her insisting that they "really" had to celebrate, that this was a "once in a life time thing" and that they definitely couldn't process it sober.

"This is not CELEBRATING," she had declared, nudging Rachel's shoulder with hers and nearly spilling both their wine glasses' contents as she did so. "Rachel got FANNY, people, let's fucking go to TOWN on her ass!"

Kurt didn't see the point, then, of pointing out to her that the phrase "Rachel got fanny" and "going to town on her ass" were rather interesting and overly sexual choices to use in the same sentence with each other when not intending sexual connotations, at least not to someone like Santana, who would no doubt see this as a challenge of sexual innuendo that would not end for the remainder of the week or until she witnessed him literally pale with horror at whatever she could come up with. Instead, he had allowed Santana to refill his glass along with everyone else's, to turn on the music and pull him and the other women forward to sing and dance as loudly and enthusiastically as they could, and when the wine was gone, he let her pull out the tequila to make some heavily spiked mixed drinks.

The night had passed in a blur, with only a few memories sticking out in Kurt's head now. He could dimly remember Rachel hanging on him and squealing, giggling and pointing and then giving a seal clap of excitement when she saw Santana straddling Dani's lap and kissing her deeply, one hand twined in Dani's hair, Dani's hand rubbing up and down Santana's back. He remembered singing a duet with Rachel, their faces inches apart as they mimed singing into imaginary microphones, and Santana hollering cheers and catcalls before bursting into laughter, falling into Dani for support to the side of them. He remembered Rachel loudly teasing Santana about her "muffin" and Dani laughing so hard she had to grab the kitchen counter to catch herself from falling, Santana throwing a couch cushion at Rachel that missed her entirely and instead hit Kurt in the face. He was pretty sure that at one point all four had sung together, arms slung around each other's shoulders, and when he looked back at the three girls and saw their hair messily falling out of half completed braids, he remembered their being a braiding hair line that he had ended up in on somehow too, and that Santana had somehow managed to wrangle into being one of the braidees but not a braider at the front of the line. And he definitely remembered Rachel announcing at the top of her voice, towards the end of night, that they were all her BEST FRIENDS EVER before tackle hugging them almost to the floor- which had set Santana off into tears and Dani into yet another peal of giggling until she was gasping for breath.

That was about all he remembered of the night, but he guessed it was enough. Somehow, Santana's idea of "hardcore celebrating" had turned into something further resembling "preteen slumber party," but he had enough of a headache without being foolish enough to point that out to her.

As he stumbled towards the kitchen, Kurt began to line up coffee mugs, creamer, sugar, and bottles of water on the living room coffee table, each movement slow and requiring deliberation of thought, before he started the coffee maker as well. After further thought he set out Ibuprofen, taking a few himself first, a trash can, a chapstick, and ponytail holders too, because he knew one thing he wouldn't be doing was holding girls' hair back if they woke up sick. He just wasn't moving fast enough to get there in time.

By the time the coffee was brewing and he had slumped onto a chair at the kitchen table, nursing a bottle of water in both hands, Kurt could hear someone stirring in the living room area. When the first groan was audible, he mumbled towards the table top, "All necessary supplies are within arms' reach in front of you. I have gone above and beyond the call of roommate duty. Please don't speak to me for another two hours now."

"Shuddup," came another growl that sounded like a very hoarse Santana before the first suspicious gasping, swallowing breaths began, and Kurt put his head down on the table, trying not to envision what might be next to come. He was too far away and not at all interested in assisting anyone else, and he definitely wasn't up for needing to sprint anywhere for his own sake either.

It was on the tip of his tongue to mention to Santana that without her insistence on "real celebrating," none of them would have been in this boat at all, but he stopped himself when he heard her begin to gag and the scrambling limbs of her trying to shove Dani away from her in time. And when Rachel's voice joined in, somehow in spite of everything still alert and aware enough for her to be capable of asking Santana anxiously if she was sure it was all in the trash can and not on the floor or furniture, Kurt just kept his head down, suppressing a groan of his own. Best friends ever they might be, but right about now he could happily go the rest of the day without seeing a single one of them.


	6. Chapter 6

Santana's steps were light and quick, and she felt as though there were no weight to them, no weight to herself, for that matter, at all, despite the heaviness of her knee length high-heeled boots. She walked with her head upturned towards the evening sky, her hair swaying with the night's faint breeze, dark strands loosened from the clip holding back her bangs occasionally brushing her cheeks, and yet despite her sleeveless waitress uniform and the shortness of her skirt, she didn't feel cold at all. Indeed, Santana felt warm from head to toe.

It was a good thing that she lived such a short distance away from the diner and from the neighborhood she had walked to nearby it, because she was incapable then of any sort of logical thinking skills that might be required for her to get herself home from a further and more complicated distance. As Santana nearly floated up the steps of her shared apartment entranceway, then fumbled for her key, she realized that her hands were unsteady, and each key she tried in the lock was the wrong one. Rather than growing impatient, swearing, or kicking things, as she normally would have in a similar situation, she continued to fish absently for the correct key, and the soft smile spreading itself across her face didn't waver.

As it turned out, she didn't have to open the door herself, because Rachel did so for her. Santana could have almost guaranteed that the other girl had been hovering around the doorway, frequently peering out the peephole hoping to catch sight of Santana, and possibly Dani with her as well, coming towards the door, and she clearly couldn't contain herself any longer for the time it might take for Santana to open it on her own. Throwing it open and almost hitting Santana in the shoulder in the process, she reached out a hand and grabbed hold of Santana's upper arm, yanking her inside and nearly slamming the door behind them in her haste to bring Santana near. She was already beaming, her eyes wide and way, way too bright with earnest excitement and anticipation, and she kept hold of Santana's arm with both hands as she gave her a gentle shaking, her voice several decibels too high and enthusiastic for Santana's usual tolerance level.

"Well?! So you and Dani finished cleaning up…?!"

"You mean, "you and Dani finished closing the store while you jetted off sticking us with all the work?"" Santana rephrased, trying to scowl or even raise her eyebrows at her, but she found the scowl getting stuck and reforming back into a helpless grin before she could stop herself, and she ducked her head, feeling a flush come over her face in spite of herself. Somehow, despite Rachel's obvious over enthusiasm over this, she couldn't seem to get too embarrassed over it, though- not when she felt this good.

For her part, Rachel brushed this aside as Santana had known she would, not even taking time to roll her eyes as she squeezed Santana's arms again. "Oh, please, Santana, you needed a push in her direction in a major way, kickstarted nicely with a kick in the backside as well. I did you a favor trapping you into something you would never have had the courage to initiate on your own within anything approaching a timely fashion."

"Backside, Berry, really? When are you gonna start saying ass like the rest of the world?" Santana rolled her eyes, finally able to at least briefly twist her lips into a smirk rather than the goofy smile that she couldn't seem to turn off even for Rachel's benefit, even as Rachel shot back at her.

"Perhaps I feel you behave enough like one at times that you need no further encouragement…Santana Lopez, you are GLOWING!"

"I am not…and you're totally bruising up my arm, Berry, loosen the claws, why don't you?" she shoved at Rachel's hands, still clamped around her arm, half-heartedly, but Rachel seemed in no rush or concern whatsoever to let her go and entirely ignored her. Breaking out into her own wide smile, Rachel gave a little bounce on the toes of her shoes, giggling aloud happily.

"You're DIMPLING, Santana! This is so adorable!"

"Shut up, Rachel," was the only and rather feeble comment that Santana could come up with, and it was not lost on either of them that she had finished it by calling the other girl "Rachel" rather than "Berry." Rachel appeared to take this as considerable encouragement, because she gave another excited little hop and started to propel Santana towards the living room area by her arm, still talking with entirely too much enthusiasm for Santana's comfort level, her face turned close towards Santana's.

"So you guys talked then? What did you talk about, what did you say? Please tell me you didn't inadvertently insult her in any way, because even someone as nice as Dani can only take that so many times if they haven't yet got a full understanding of you-"

"We…it wasn't so much with the talking," Santana started, which was more than enough information for Rachel to erupt in a rather shrill squeal as she pulled back from Santana, eyes even wider, if possible, than before.

"Oh my god, Santana, did you make out with her?! "

"Damn, Rachel, chill out, you look like you're on the verge of a heart attack here- or maybe just a decent orgasm for once," Santana snickered, her dimples showing now for an altogether different reason than previously, and as Rachel shoved at her shoulder, she laughed, not minding the physical contact now at all.

"Don't be disgusting. So if you didn't talk, and you weren't making out, then what were you doing? Santana, I swear if you tell me that after all my plotting and after Dani gave you every single possible green light communicable, that you just stood there and stammered and stared at her or said something incredibly crass or cruel-"

"Damn, Berry, down, girl," Santana shook her head, still smirking, but as she began to describe, sitting down finally on the couch, with Rachel immediately sitting beside her and turning to fully face her, she found herself smiling again, unable to suppress it. "No, we just sort of walked together…and sang."

She turned her head away from Rachel's newly pleased expression, trying to avoid meeting her eyes, even as she heard Rachel's voice climb higher in pitch again.

"You sang together?! What did you sing?'

"Um…"Here Comes the Sun…" Rachel, stop. Don't-" Santana started to warn, but it was too late. She practically cringed as Rachel's already high-pitched voice hit a new octave.

"You sang "Here comes the sun" while walking home together at sunset?! Oh my god, Santana, that is SO ADORABLE!"

She clapped her hands excitedly, then grabbed hold of Santana's upper arms again, giving her yet another affectionate shaking even as Santana attempted to ward her off.

"Bruising me, Berry, give it a rest!"

"Dimpling, Santana, no way, this is way too cute!" Rachel squeezed her arms again, then slid her hands down Santana's wrists to take her hands instead. "You walked her home while singing as the sun set…I knew you were a closet romantic!"

"It was her idea," Santana tried, but she was still smiling, not even trying to pull her hands away, and she knew Rachel knew it.

"And you loved every second of it," Rachel pointed out accurately, knowing very well that she couldn't deny it. "And then what? When you got to the door, what did you do? Did you tell her you had a good time, did you tell her she was pretty or she sounded good or that you would see her again, what did you say?"

And that was when Santana had to think back and realized…" Um…I sorta didn't say anything?"

Rachel stared at her, releasing her hands abruptly, something akin to horror crossing the previous glee in her expression. "You didn't say ANYTHING?"

"Uh…"

"Santana! After all that set up…" she shook her head, appearing disappointed beyond words as she sighed aloud. "You clearly need assistance. What we need to do-"

"Oh no, no way," Santana held up both hands as though to ward her off, already shaking her head. "No way am I getting romantic advice from RACHEL BERRY of all people. I can handle myself perfectly fine without your "expertise" considering you've slept with, what, two people in your life time and both of them were giants who basically sucked and not in the good way?"

"Finn doesn't suck," was Rachel's automatic reply, "he just required a little, um, helpful instruction in the bedroom area, but…but we're not talking about me, we're talking about the fact that you stood there and said nothing after being part of the most romantic experience I have heard now in a few months, since New York City, if you have not noticed, is not exactly reknown for provoking romance in its young inhabitants-"

"She kissed me," Santana blurted, as much to stop her from talking any further as to share, and Rachel stopped in her tracks, blinking, before turning to fully face her again.

"She…she did?"

"Yep," and there she was, blushing all over again, fighting not to smile. "So shut up, Berry."

"She…and it was-" Santana could see her struggling not to press for details even as it clearly killed her not to ask, and she took pity, leaning back against the couch cushions.

"Fast. No tongue. But still, it was…" she was grinning again and lowered her head quickly, trying to gruff up her voice to disguise this. "Probably doesn't count without tongue."

"It made you dimple up, and it's making your eyes glow," Rachel observed, "it definitely counts."

And then she startled her with a tight hug, speaking into her ear. "This is so exciting, Santana! I'm so happy for you! I'm such an amazing couple-maker!"

"Waittt a second here, Berry," was Santana's first though as Rachel drew away, beaming at her, eyebrows raising. "Is this really about you being so thrilled for me…or is this about you being all self-satisfied at being a friggin matchmaker?"

"Does it matter?" was Rachel's reply. "It can be both, right?"

And Santana supposed it could be. Whatever the case, it got the same result.


	7. Chapter 7

Santana could hardly believe she was doing it. She knew she must be sinking to an all time low if she would even consider it, let alone actually follow through with it. But the facts of the matter were that she was driving herself crazy worrying, that she was thinking things through from every angle and coming up with exactly one disturbing conclusion every time.

As much as she might deny it or pretend otherwise, she, Santana Lopez, had absolutely no idea how to start up a relationship, or at the very least make sure that she could get to the point of possibly having one without scaring someone off.

This had never been a problem for her before. In high school, she could be as bitchy and cutting as she pleased, and because teenaged boys would be more than happy to sleep with any cheerleader, any time, who was even semi attractive, they were more than willing to put up with her and whatever she wanted to dish out towards them, as long as she put out as well as dished out. None of them cared very much if she was done with them once the deed was done, and she had had very little real interest in maintaining an actual relationship with them, though it had taken her some time to figure out that this was not because relationships were "lame," "boring," or "pointless," or because the boys were too "young" or "immature," but rather because she was much more interested in their female counterparts. Regardless of any of this, Santana had never even considered changing her behavior in order to date a guy or to try to keep a guy.

Even with Brittany, it had been different. She had not deliberately changed her behavior around Brittany so much as felt so differently around her she had unconsciously softened and altered herself, partly because she was happier and less angry with Brittany's proximity and influence, partly because she knew that Brittany disliked her being "mean" and disapproved. It had not involved thought or effort on her part, and it had not seemed difficult, nor mysterious in any way.

But with Dani, this was a whole new territory. Dani wasn't a fake front, a one night stand, or a long time friend, who already knew and understood so much of her, gradually sliding into more. Dani was new and exciting and potentially different from anything Santana had ever previously experienced, and Santana was not so good with the uncharted territories. She had no idea what to do or where to go, and she was privately terrified that she would mess it all up before she ever got close to having a shot at all.

Sure, Dani seemed accepting enough so far, even amused by Santana's frequent foot in the mouth syndrome and not exactly shocked by Santana's sarcasms, insults, and attitude. So far she seemed pretty hard to scare off. But the day might come where she'd realize exactly what she was getting herself into, sooner rather than later, and Santana just didn't want that to happen without making sure she'd tried everything she could to keep her first.

And so this was what lead her to approach her roommates, one evening where none were on shift at the diner, and through gritted teeth and very reluctant wording, all without much eye contact, to ask them, to her own near shame and great embarrassment, for dating advice. And the worst thing about it was that both Rachel and Kurt seemed not only way more eager to give it than she was okay with, but also both seemed to have been waiting, expectant, for her to ask in the first place.

"Oh thank god," was Kurt's reply as he leaned back overly dramatically on the couch, invoking Santana's answering scowl at his exaggeratedly relieved expression. "I was beginning to think you would actually attempt to navigate this on your own, and we all know exactly how painful that would be."

"Oh, it's gonna get real painful for you, for sure, if you don't shove the comments and just start talking tips here," Santana growled back, crossing her arms and shifting most of her weight to one hip as she stood across from them, eyebrows raised. She was grateful that with her coloring, they probably couldn't tell from her skin tone how warm her cheeks felt to her…probably.

"I was beginning to think that we would have to simply continue to give you our opinions unsolicited, which you typically disregard, no matter how correct and helpful they are," was Rachel's input, and as she smiled up at Santana, Santana held up a warning finger, eyes narrowed towards her.

"Rachel, if you say one word that sounds anything like adorable, or if you clap your hands, I swear you are gonna wake up to find your lips sewn shut with steel thread."

"I don't think steel thread exists, Santana," was Rachel's dismissive reply. "Or does it? Perhaps in some instances it would be useful and needed, but I am unsure-"

"Okay, this isn't happening," Santana put up both hands now, starting to back off as Rachel's musing threatened to become a full on ramble. "No, no, changed my mind, backing out now. I don't know what temporary insanity overtook me just now, but there is no way in hell I'm gonna sit here and get schooled by the only two people in all of New York City who have only slept with two people and yet still managed to both get engaged before they were twenty. What the hell do either of you know about friggin' relationships?"

"Well, some might say that the fact that we've had so few and that they were both serious enough to warrant a proposal would indicate that we know quite a lot about maintaining relationships," Kurt pointed out, even as Santana continued to shake her head, backing away.

"Oh hells no. This is lame. I had a girlfriend, we were together for like eight months, thank you very much, and she didn't kill me or even leave out hating me, so I don't need this crap from either of you."

"And yet you came to us not two minutes ago…asking for it," Kurt reminded her, as Rachel stood up and walked towards her, taking on the earnest tone that Santana knew all too well by now.

"Of course you did, Santana, and the two of you were great together, you were. You were really good to her and you really loved her, anyone could see that. But look back, San, think. You've known Brittany all your life, basically. So when the two of you were getting together as a couple, you didn't have to learn about her or even really try with her at all, you didn't have to pick and choose what to tell her when or how to behave or worry what she would think, because you knew she already knew you and loved you and accepted you for exactly who you are. She understood you already, so you didn't have to get used to her or let her get used to you or teach her anything about you, you didn't have to make an impression on her or learn what she liked or worry about doing anything to make her run away, because you already knew she loved you. I'm not saying that Dani won't love you or doesn't like you or that she's going to judge you or be scared of you, of course not, because she seems pretty smitten and you're amazing," Rachel went on, now taking Santana's shoulder and squeezing lightly, as though to try to reassure her. "But she doesn't know everything there is to know about you, and it might take her some time to understand all the Santana quirks and kinks- no, I am NOT talking about sex, Santana!" she added hastily as Santana's lips twitched, eyebrows raising, and she started to smirk back at her. "But you know what I'm talking about. She's not Brittany, and it's different. You have to have time to get to know each other, and in the mean time, there are basic relationship dos and don'ts that you should take into consideration."

"Like don't get pregnant…oh, right, not an option. Don't let her stray and sleep with another guy…oh right, also not an option," Santana said pointedly, looking at Rachel and then Kurt in turn, who just looked back at her, unamused.

"Santana…all jokes aside, we want to help, and you probably need it," Rachel said firmly, as Kurt piped up from the couch, "Definitely need it," in conjunction with her. "Will you listen to us and trust us, or at least try to, or not?"

Santana paused, looking between them, and then sighed heavily, letting her shoulders slump, and shrugged off Rachel's hand. "Fine. Whatever…what am I supposed to do, then, according to you two "experts" of heavy duty booty…kidding," she rolled her eyes at their expression. "Lay it on me."

"Good," Rachel smiled at her, almost beaming, really, and when she started to wrap her arms around Santana in a hug, Santana let her for a few seconds before shrugging her off.

"Damn, Berry, can we please just get through this as painlessly as possible?"

"Well, first off, when you're having a conversation with her- and yes, having frequent conversations with her that aren't necessarily simply to convey needed information or to work her towards sex are necessary- listen to her when she talks. Don't cut her off to make some sarcastic comment or insult-like you're doing to me right now, "Kurt pointed out with raised eyebrows as Santana's mouth opened and she started to point her finger towards him. "Listen to her. Ask questions. And don't roll your eyes or smirk at her like you think she's stupid or annoying."

"I only do that with people who ARE stupid and annoying," Santana was rolling her eyes even as she spoke, huffing loudly as she crossed her arms over her chest. "If people don't give me a reason-"

"Don't cross your arms," was Kurt's next instruction. "It makes you look defensive and annoyed, or else like you just don't really care what the other person is saying- which obviously is you about ninety percent of the time, but if you don't want Dani to get that impression, uncross the arms."

"Where am I supposed to put them, straight out in front of me like a zombie? Around her neck, or maybe just stick my hands around yours?" was Santana's comment to that, but she did uncross her arms.

"Don't make sexual comments to her during inappropriate times, settings, or when the mood is not emotionally right," Rachel put in next, "nor should you make comments which display homophobia, which, Santana, considering you are a lesbian, come from you with surprisingly high frequency. I understand you were a cheerleader and you come from a religious family, as well as the commonality of homophobic attitudes within the Latina community, but even so-"

"Okay, you're calling me a homophobe and here you are throwing off on ethnicity, the hell you think makes you the expert on that, Berry, you spending another night reading up on Wikipedia and think it makes you the Mexican hotshot along with the relationship wizard?" Santana started, but Rachel was unruffled.

"No, I simply am aware of the statistical norms, I am making no such assumptions towards you or your family but I am sharing the facts with you for you to determine whether they suit your own purpose. But getting back to the homophobia, I would also advice, Santana, that you never imply based upon her behavior that she has a penis-"

"And just in case you ever wander back towards the male side of the dating fence, you should never imply that a guy DOESN'T have a penis, or has a significant lack of length in one," Kurt added, and then he and Rachel were trading back and forth, picking up rhythm and speed.

"Don't make sexually ignorant comments or imply that she is either sexually frigid or promiscuous based off assumptions or even observations-"

"Don't make up stupid nicknames like Dani the Man-i or Dan the Man-"

"Don't mock her appearance or her body in any way-"

"Don't pout or scowl or stomp around sulking when she suggests things that are fun to do simply because you are afraid they will make you look dorky or uncool-"

"Don't talk about your cock or being cockblocked as if you actually have a penis-"

"Right, because everyone knows you don't, Santana, you have forced us both to see your unclothed body frequently enough that Kurt and I are quite aware that you are indeed a female and so speaking of having masculine body parts which do not actually exist on your person is really rather silly-"

"Don't go through her things and if you do, don't look at her like she's completely insane because she gets offended over it, because if she's as normal as she seems, she will be offended by it," was Kurt's next suggestion, and Rachel bounced right off that. It seemed to Santana as she struggled to keep up with them that they had stored a novel's worth of instructions towards her, and the dam was breaking now, flooding her with so many commands she couldn't do much more than swivel her head back and forth between them like a tennis match, attempting to just hear, let alone retain.

"Don't leave your personal belongings strewn all over her home, and if you do and she asks you to clean up after yourself, do it with minimal threats of destruction or violence," Rachel stated, and Kurt added to this one too.

"Actually, keep the threats of violence down to a base rate of zero, as a general rule."

"Don't look at her like she's insane or diseased when she hugs you-"

"Don't take her hair gel or any products of enhancement whatsoever, and do NOT use her razors to shave your legs with-"

"Don't insult her friends or family members, no matter how stupid or annoying you think they are-"

"Or her hair, or her clothes, or her voice, or her taste in music or books or movies, or…you know what, Santana? Just don't' insult her," Kurt summed up in full, and Rachel, frowning, nodded finally, seeming to think this covered the majority of the rest of what was on her mind.

"Yes, that makes it simple. Don't insult her."

Simple?! Santana had barely been able to listen, let alone implement their "simple" instructions, and as for the final verdict of not insulting her….that to Santana was about as natural and expected as breathing. Genuinely dismayed, she stared between her roommates, mouth slightly open as she shook her head at them.

"You just said all the things NOT to do…what am I supposed to actually do then?! What am I ALLOWED to do?"

"Just talk to her, Santana, like a normal human being…if that's not too much of a stretch for you," Kurt had to add in the last little dig at the end, his own lips quirking. "Be honest with her, walk with her, remember what she says and show you're interested. Even if you're not. It's REALLY not that hard- or shouldn't be."

"Just be yourself, San," Rachel added earnestly, taking Santana by the arm again and giving her a little squeeze to emphasize her words. "Because if she really does like you, she'll see that under everything else, you're pretty amazing."

Santana raised her eyebrows, in spite of their instructions to the contrary, and crossed her arms over her chest, shaking off Rachel's hand to do so as she tilted her head towards them both at a sharp angle.

"Okay so let me get this one straight here. How am I being myself if I can't do any of the things I do on a regular, daily, constant basis?"

And both Kurt and Rachel blinked, then looked at each other, stumped.

"Um," was Rachel's response as she found herself uncharacteristically at a loss for words.

"Well," Kurt said slowly, appearing to be searching for a response himself. "Maybe…maybe Dani's the one we should be having a conversation with…if we can't change you, at least we can…try to prep her?"

And this was about when Santana sighed as loudly as was possible and covered her face with both hands. Because if she let those two sic themselves on Dani, talking about HER, she really was screwed.


	8. Chapter 8

"Santana, don't you think that will be a little strange, as far as going well with the other items we will have available for consumption?" asked Rachel, brow furrowed, as she gestured towards the kitchen counter, where her roommate was currently setting out several jalapenos, large bags of tortilla chips, and big blocks of cheese among bags of cranberries, cans of pumpkin pie filling, and containers of whipped cream. Santana shrugged without looking back at Rachel, taking her hand and shoving most of the other items aside to make room for her own.

"Tit for tat, Berry. You make your weird vegan crap and insist on leaving the room any time I even mention we should start prepping the turkey, and I make my awesome jalapeno nachos."

"If you would actually try my "weird vegetarian crap" on a regular and unbiased basis, perhaps you would realize that it is actually quite tasty as well as much better for your health than eating of the flesh of animals which are not well known for their cleanliness," Rachel huffed, and Santana smirked, seeing that the other girl had not only picked up some of her sarcasm in the time that they had lived together, but also her tendency to roll her eyes. She only hoped that she hadn't picked up any of Rachel's habits in return. "You know, Santana, eating a turkey is not much more than a step above eating a vulture. They are actually of the same family, generally-"

"Rachel, I would eat a CROW if I knew it would taste good," Santana interrupted, and Dani, from where she was struggling with stirring a lumpy looking bowl of mashed potatoes to the side, looked up with a smirk of her own, eyebrows raised as she shook her newly blue-dyed hair back over her shoulders.

"Probably shouldn't, babe, apparently they're hallucinogens…although that would make the holiday that much more interesting."

"Hey, I might need a little hallucinating by the time we're done with all this crap," Santana gestured widely, encompassing the food, herself, her girlfriend, Rachel, and the room at large. "Has anyone really considered how this thing is gonna go? For one thing, we have a grand total of four chairs in this place and one tiny table, and we're gonna cram six people in, maybe seven if Mami bullied Papi into getting off work somehow?"

"We can borrow chairs from…someone," Rachel replied somewhat lamely, her own forehead creasing as she considered this issue. "Or…we could take turns being the ones to stand?"

"You can sit on my lap, babe, save a chair," Dani grinned slyly, catching Santana's eyes, and when Santana smiled back at her, seeming to be seriously considering this, Rachel rolled her eyes.

"Next thing you know you'll be suggesting Daddy sit on Dad's lap too so we'd be all evened out."

"Sure, why not?" Santana smirked, taking one of the large serving platters that she assumed must have come into the apartment via Rachel, judging by the festive pilgrims and turkeys decorating its surface, and spreading chips over it. "It is the holidays, closeness and family fun…go with the theme, Rachel."

"Oh, so when my dads ask for volunteers to sing the first group number to kick off the holidays, then I suppose I can expect to see your hand raising high, right, Santana?" Rachel shot back, and Santana's smirk died as she glanced quickly at Dani, who appeared every bit as interested in her response as Rachel.

"Is that actually likely to happen…of course it is, it's the Berrys we're talking about here," Santana muttered to herself, sighing loudly and shaking her head. "We don't have a piano, so at least I have that much to be thankful for."

"Oh, Dad probably will bring his keyboard…maybe even his harmonica or kazoo," Rachel replied brightly. "You can't have a group singing session without musical accompaniment, after all."

When Santana turned to gawk at her, mouth open, Rachel giggled, pushing at her shoulder playfully. "I'm kidding…about the harmonica and kazoo, anyway. You can almost certainly count on a keyboard or perhaps a guitar."

"Bring yours, Dani, preventive action. Please," Santana stage whispered to her girlfriend, who just grinned back at her.

"Sure thing, San. What I'm interested in is meeting your parents…think they'll be okay with a blue-haired, tattooed, guitar-playing lesbian with their sweet baby girl?"

"Mami will be cool with it, she'll probably just ask you a bunch of questions like did the tattoos hurt and how big was the needle and do you drip blue dye down your back when you shower," Santana shrugged, beginning to cut jalapenos on a plate and barely glancing back towards Dani as she did so. "Papi, if he even comes, you might get some looks or more likely, avoided eye contact. But it could definitely be worse."

Both she and Dani were quiet for a few moments, thinking of Santana's abuela, who had rejected her upon her initial coming out and had not seen her in years; of Dani's parents, who had also rejected her and would not be meeting Santana, either now nor in the future. Sensing the suddenly heavier mood coming over them, Rachel stepped in between them, putting a hand on each of their shoulders as her own mood grew serious too.

"I hope Kurt's doing all right."

If possible, the atmosphere grew still more pensive, for until now it had gone unspoken that Kurt would not be there with them for Thanksgiving day. He had flown back to Lima yesterday, to spend the holiday with his father and Carol…the first since Finn's death. It couldn't be easy for him or his family; it was not easy for Rachel or even Santana today, and as they thought about this for a few moments, Santana dropped the knife and reached back to cover Rachel's hand with hers.

A few minutes later she would break the mood by flicking a chip at Rachel, who would then flinch, mouth open in surprise and mild indignation. A second chip flick later and Rachel would break out into a grin, dipping a finger in the opened container of whipped cream and flicking it into Santana's hair. A few more backs and forths between them both, with Dani contributing a few flicks of mashed potatoes from her side, and they were all smiling again, but even as they resumed their preparations, the mood was still somehow changed. And as good a time as they did have with their families, a few hours later- complete with Maribel Lopez's questions and the Berry men's insistence on a group sing-a-long, just as their daughters had predicted- Rachel and Santana were both privately relieved when it was over, when Kurt flew back the next day and rejoined them in their own space.

Neither of them asked him how his holiday had went, not the first day, or tried to tell him about their own. Instead Rachel sat down on the couch with him and rested her head against his shoulder, leaning into his side with her arm curved around his waist, and waited for him to lean back into her, his arm circling her shoulders. And when Santana joined them a few minutes later, curling up without comment against his other side, and he pulled her in against him too, the second round of family togetherness was made complete.


	9. Chapter 9

"Santana!" Kurt knocked hard on the closed bathroom door, raising his voice above the sound of the running water. "I need to get in here!"

"I'm in the shower, Hummel!" Santana shouted back after a long pause, as though he couldn't have already drawn this conclusion on his own, and Kurt swore he heard snickering before her response. It wouldn't exactly be uncharacteristic of Santana to deliberately prolong her time in the bathroom just to annoy him, and even in the best of times she always took a considerable amount of time in the shower and doing her makeup and hair. Between her and Rachel, and Kurt's own self-care rituals, it seemed there was never an hour of the day where the bathroom was unoccupied, and quite a large percentage of the time, it was occupied by all three of them at once as they attempted to juggle around each other to accomplish what they needed to get done.

In the ridiculously small space it was, this could get downright claustrophobic. Not to mention invasive and on occasions, very disturbing in what could be inadvertently discovered or seen.

Kurt gritted his teeth before pounding on the door again, a little longer and harder than before this time. "Santana, I have to get in here to brush my teeth, you know I have school today! Hurry up!"

He knows he heard snickering this time even over the sound of the water before Santana called back to him. "Hummel, I've got a hell of a lot of hair to wash here and it involves three kinds of products before it looks as amazing as it rightfully should, so prepare for a wait. Not to mention the shower's the only place I get any kind of private personal time in this place and you're severely interfering with that now. So abandon personal hygiene for the day or else wait."

Beginning to grow more angry than impatient now, Kurt renewed his loud knocking, continuing even as he spoke over it, almost yelling now. "Santana Diabla Lopez, get out of the shower and unlock this door or I will personally take each of your favorite clothing items and begin to hand them out to the homeless on the streets. I will do it and not look back for one second in regret. Open the door. Now."

She must have known he wasn't bluffing, because almost immediately he heard the curtain being drawn back and the sound of Santana padding to the door, unlocking it, and then the curtain being drawn back again as she got back into the shower. Throwing the door open and noting the trail of water she had dripped on the floor, avoiding stepping in it, Kurt began to apply toothpaste to his toothbrush, rolling his eyes and exhaling loudly as he began to brush his teeth, deliberately avoiding casting his eyes towards the shower in case he saw even a vague outline of his roommate's naked body. It wasn't as if he hadn't seen it before, but he had no desire to repeat the experience.

It was his intention to finish brushing his teeth and get out fast, but it seemed that his roommates had other ideas. Because he had only been standing there about thirty seconds when Rachel threw the unlocked door open and started talking at top speed, eyes darting between Kurt, standing at the mirror with his toothbrush, and Santana in the shower as she started to explain herself.

"Okay, I realize this is awkward and likely uncomfortable for some or all of us but I really do need to use the bathroom, right now, and this is not the sort of circumstances where I can wait to go. I need to go immediately. So either the both of you need to evacuate the area until I am finished or we need to simply all avoid looking at or speaking to each other during this time, but if I do not have usage of a toilet in less than thirty seconds there may be consequences."

"I'm not uncomfortable, piss away, Berry," was Santana's half-shouted response, as Kurt covered his eyes with the hand not holding his toothbrush, groaning in a garbled fashion through a mouth full of toothpaste foam.

"Oh my god, is there such a thing as boundaries in this house, let alone privacy?" he attempted to voice aloud, but the words could not be understood through his mouthful of toothpaste, and so when Rachel brushed past him and hiked up her skirt, he hurriedly turned his back to her and shut his eyes, even as Santana shouted out catcalls, entirely too amused.

"Owww OWWWW, Rachelllll! Take it ALL off!"

"I have no such intentions, Santana, and that is fairly ironic given as you are the one who is currently fully unclothed rather than myself," was Rachel's dignified response even as she urinated, and Santana laughed aloud, still teasing.

"Oh we could totally shift that, I am totally cool with you joining me, there's definitely room for three, right, babe?"

"Oh, don't even pull me into this," Kurt attempted to say through his mouthful of paste, but it was soon made clear that he was not the person she was referring to as another voice spoke up from behind the shower curtain, also clearly snickering.

"It would be a tight squeeze, but it seems like you guys are used to cramped quarters, and we're all friends here, right?"

Both Kurt and Rachel's eyes bulged slightly as they recognized Dani's voice from behind the shower curtain, and Kurt wasted no time in leaving the room, muttering something unintelligible about finishing up in the kitchen sink while accidentally spitting slightly down his shirt in the process. Rachel too hurriedly finished up and got to her feet, stammering slightly.

"Um, yes, well, good morning Dani and I will just leave the two of you be and…good bye."

As she slammed the door behind herself, she and Kurt could both hear Santana laughing, and it sounded like Dani was too as she called back to them, "Oh, come on, guys, we're a family, right? Families love close morning rituals…what's a little sex and nudity among friends?"

Neither Kurt nor Rachel bothered to reply to her, both already thinking that from now on, bathrooms were off limits if Santana was in the shower. Which to Santana, had been half the goal. Pulling Dani in close to her, she stifled a giggle against the wet skin of her girlfriend's neck, grinning against its nape. This morning at least was a definite all around win.


	10. Chapter 10

"So you never dated a guy before? Seriously?" Santana asked, eyebrows raised partly in surprise, partly in interest as she regarded her girlfriend, lips quirked into a small smirk. "Not even chasing boys to scratch and rape kiss them on the playground in elementary school? Nada all along?"

Dani's own eyebrows raised at this last few questions, and she laughed lightly. "You have something to confess, babe? Rape kissing boys on the playground, huh? I know you're a badass, but I had no idea you started making people your bitch at such an early and impressionable age."

"Well, it was more chasing them to attack them than to kiss them," Santana corrected, her smirk breaking out into a full on grin as she remembered, stretching her legs out over Dani's lap where the two sat together on Santana's apartment's couch. "I would hunt them down, scratch them through their shirts, knock them down and sit on them, and keep them pinned there until they gave me something, and then if they gave me what I wanted sometimes I'd kiss them if they were begging me to. If I was in the mood. Most of the time I'd just punch them in the arm and run off though."

Dani laughed again, eyebrows raising again, this time with amusement as she lightly rubbed a hand over Santana's knee, her thumb digging into the skin just above. "Should have known, baby Tana was a little heartbreaker too, huh? So no girl chasing in all this boy bashing?"

"Oh, there was some girl chasing too," Santana said casually, though she didn't go into detail, and Rachel, from behind her curtain, piped up to fill Dani in.

"Oh, there certainly was girl chasing on Santana's behalf, Dani. She chased me, as a matter of fact."

"You chased Rachel?" Dani's eyes widened, and she started to snicker, one hand rising to cover her mouth as her eyes moved between Rachel's curtain and her girlfriend, still half sitting on her lap. "Really?"

"Not like THAT," Santana tried to correct her hurriedly. "I chased her so I could tear her clothes, pull her hair, and stick random objects down her back, not because I LIKED her or anything."

"Yes, I distinctly got the message that you weren't fond of me, as such, since you told me so on a daily basis in no uncertain terms," came Rachel's dignified response from behind the curtain, and then she moved it aside, poking out her head and half her shoulders as she continued to converse with the other women. "Although it is true, Santana, that little boys often express affection and attraction towards little girls by behaving in a teasing and borderline cruel manner towards them, so perhaps your feelings towards me mirrored this philosophy at the time and you simply did not realize it?"

Dani's eyes shifted between the two, a grin still playing at her lips as she watched their exchange, even as Santana shook her head, rolling her eyes.

"Or I just actually really did hate your guts and get sick of hearing you recite the textbook definition with your arm waving like a windshield wiper even when the teachers WEREN'T asking for volunteers."

"And now you live with her and let her hug and cuddle you basically whenever the mood hits her without threatening physical violence, let alone carrying it out," Dani observed, reaching to stroke her fingers through Santana's hair affectionately even as her tone remained teasing. "You let her tame you, babe."

"Let her WHAT? You are so full of shit, ain't nobody who can tame THIS," Santana rolled her eyes, stroking the hand not wrapped around Dani's waist down her chest and stomach and legs for emphasis. "Try all you want, ain't no one ever gonna win out against Santana Lopez."

"Oh, Santana, please," Rachel rolled her eyes right back at her, crossing her arms over her chest as she stepped fully out from behind her curtain, now standing just behind the couch and looking down at the other two. "You fully enjoy and even initiate hugs and cuddling, you argue hair products and reality TV shows with Kurt, you have had long and earnest talks about your love life late into the night with me and have even listened to tales of my love life as well without even complaining too frequently about how disgusting it is to imagine me behaving in an intimate fashion with someone, and you always participate in any group sing-along with only minimal complaint and much enjoyment and enthusiasm. You have been tamed. In fact, you are downright domestic."

"I TOLERATE, I don't enjoy," Santana argued, disgruntled, even as Rachel's eyes pointedly scanned the length of her frame, which happened to be cuddled up to Dani's, and specifically resting on Santana's hand still gently resting on Dani's hip, her other hand now caressing Dani's hand. "I am NOT fucking tamed, Berry."

"Oh, I see, throwing in a vulgar word makes all the difference in your status," Rachel smirked, and as Santana scowled back at her, irritated that the girl was now giving back smartass comments as much as Santana gave them out, Rachel sat down in the armchair near the couch, crossing her legs and regarding her roommate and her girlfriend with continued amusement. "You totally love it."

"You do, babe," Dani backed her up, and Santana, cornered now, attempted to shift the subject back to its original topic.

"So you really never dated any guys at all, Dani?"

"Didn't say that," Dani replied, though she was still smirking, clearly onto Santana's attempt at plot shifting as she took Santana's hand in hers, squeezing lightly and adjusting herself so she was resting her head against Santana's arm. "I dated a few. But I always knew what was really going on, and I stopped trying to lie to everyone after a few tries. I never did have to lie to myself. So then I skipped ahead to secretly dating girls, but you know how that went…so then it wasn't a secret anymore, because I had nothing left to lose. I've dated a fair number of girls, since, but none of that really matters now, does it? because right now I'm with you."

She kissed Santana's shoulder affectionately, aware and amused by Rachel's bright-eyed "romantic" look on her face as she watched. "You're the newby to the gay scene, San. You've only been with one other girl before, right?"

"No…I've been with lots of girls," Santana protested, though the look on her face was somewhat unconvincing. When both Dani and Rachel raised their eyebrows, she relented. "Fine, maybe not lots. But enough. I'm not a lesbian virgin, believe me."

"And she's certainly not a virgin in the more heterosexual sense of the word either," Rachel commented, which caused Dani to turn to look at her, interested.

"Oh?"

"She certainly dated plenty of boys, though I am not certain as to whether she actually had sexual relations with the majority of them or whether rumors were unfairly spread because she was an attractive cheerleader. Or perhaps she spread the rumors herself to attempt to counterbalance her discomfort with her actual sexuality," Rachel began to muse, as Santana sat up and apart from Dani, narrowing her eyes at her.

"Berry, you mind actually asking me whatever sexual lowdown on me you want to know rather than analyzing possibilities to my girlfriend?"

"Well, I know you dated Puck, and it seemed as though the two of you had sexual relations, and I know you did with Finn, though I wouldn't say you dated, exactly," Rachel began, as Dani listened with great interest.

"Puck I could see, but Finn? Really?"

"It was ONE time, and it barely counted," Santana started to explain, even as Rachel continued.

"I know she dated Sam, of course, and even Dave, though that was apparently only for show, and I believe Matt our sophomore year? I don't even remember the majority, Santana, you will have to recall for yourself, I suppose, if you are so inclined."

"I could start naming yours too, Finn, Puck, Jesse, BRODY-" Santana started, a threatening edge to her voice, as Rachel cut her off, holding up one hand hurriedly.

"No, I do suppose we could conclude the conversation on a more, uh, pleasant note?"

"So, did the two of you ever date, or hook up?" Dani asked, looking between the two women with a small smile still playing at her lips.

Rachel's eyes widened, and Santana's mouth dropped before she began to sputter with laughter, immediately shaking her head vehemently

"No, no way! Rachel, are you friggin' insane, NO!"

"What's so funny about the question, Santana?" Rachel questioned, brow furrowed, a hint of hurt coming into her tone. "I'm open to alternate sexual identities even if I do identify myself as straight. You are an attractive person and though of course I do not think of you in a sexual manner, were you to propose something I wouldn't dismiss you offhand…what is so funny that she might think we had had some sort of history of this nature at one time?"

"Not Rachel," Santana managed, still snickering, after a few moments, "but there was that one night with Quinn…"

And as Rachel's jaw dropped, her eyes bulging, she started to laugh even harder than before.


	11. Chapter 11

"Hey Twinkie, I need a refill."

Kurt ignored the voice calling out at first, hardly even registering it. Although it was true that customers at the diner could get rather rude and entitled, and often had exactly the reputation that New Yorkers were famous for in how they treated others, he had nevertheless experienced considerably less teasing and name calling, much less outright harassment, since moving to New York City, to the point that he no longer expected or was accustomed to it. It didn't occur to him that the harsh voice calling out to him was addressing him as he continued to clear away dishes and wipe down tables, until he felt a hand clamp onto his shoulder, squeezing harder than was necessary, and the voice repeating itself more loudly in his ear.

"Didn't you hear me, Twinkletoes? Get me a damn refill."

Kurt felt his shoulders tense up, his spine straightening, and he was slow to turn his head to look back at the person addressing him in such an insulting manner. The man standing behind him was approximately his own age, no older than early twenties at the most, and rather reminded him of the same types of people that he had gone to school with in Lima, Ohio. Tall, slimly muscular, with the beginnings of a scraggly beard, wearing a collared polo shirt and worn jeans that looked as though they were purchased that way rather than legitimately becoming as such through frequent wear, the man nearly glared at him, his jaw clinched as he repeated himself for a third time.

"Something the matter with your ears, sugar plum, or are you too busy thinking of me in my boxers to hear a word I say?"

Kurt's mouth pressed into a thin line even as his eyes widened, and he took in a slow breath through his nose, biting back the instinctive sharp retort that came to his lips. Although generally his boss was pretty cool- not too many bosses would let Rachel and Santana spontaneously dance on tables and countertops, even if they were a dancing and singing establishment, after all- he wasn't sure what he would say if he heard him being rude to a customer, even if the customer was harassing him. It would be his word against the customer's, and Kurt knew all too well most business's policy that the customer, no matter what a liar or asshole they were, had to be taken seriously should they complain. Not to mention, this particular customer, who clearly had a chip on his shoulder, was larger and clearly looking for a fight, and Kurt wasn't sure yet whether he would become physical, if provoked, even in the bright lighting and not exactly empty setting of the diner.

" There is absolutely no call to be so offensive towards me," he said instead, his voice tightly controlled. "In the future you could simply make your request without adding personal and inflammatory remarks in there."

He started to turn away, but the man grabbed his arm, sliding his hand down to his wrist and squeezing hard, until Kurt flinched, barely suppressing a gasp. The man's voice was hostile as he leaned close to him, and Kurt felt a fleck of spittle spray his cheek.

"Funny you'd talk about something being inflammatory when you're such an obvious fucking FLAMING gay-ass queer."

Kurt kept himself perfectly still, slowly drawing in a breath through his nose, as his mind raced, trying to figure out how to respond. His first impulse was to try to pull away, but if the man tightened his grip, he could hurt him; already his wrist ached from the pressure. He could call for the manager, but by the time he alerted him the guy could punch him in the face or kidney. He could hit the man first, but he would undoubtedly be fired, and then-

But as it turned out, he didn't need to make a decision. Instead, he heard Santana's loud, almost shouted voice from across the diner, causing both the man and Kurt to turn their heads.

"Rachel, what the hell is this? That dude over there is trying to hit on our man!"

"Santana, are you certain? Oh goodness, this certainly won't do!" was Rachel's equally loud- and almost overly stagey- reply, and before Kurt could wrap his head around what they were doing, both women were flying towards him. As Rachel took hold of the arm that the man wasn't clamped onto with both hands, pressing herself up close against his side, Santana wrapped her arms around his waist, deftly slipping beneath the man's arm and wrapping herself around him on his other side as she turned a fierce glare in the man's direction. Even as she started to speak, Dani too was coming up from behind them and latched onto the arm that Rachel was already holding, joining up with them.

"Okay, sweetcheeks, maybe you gots your wires crossed here, but let me tell you something. This is our dude, and even if we're okay with sharing with each other, ain't no way we're gonna share with a dude. So this is how it goes, you got me? You sit down, you drink your coffee, and you don't hit on our man, 'cause you ain't part of this quartet. Sorry you ain't gonna get any of this clearly tempting love machine, but he's gotta have some standards."

The man's eyes bulged, and his mouth dropped open as he blinked furiously, eyes darting from Kurt to the three women wrapped around him- all attractive and apparently, very into him…even sexually involved with him. Dropping Kurt's wrist as though it burned to touch him, he backed away, lifting both hands in protest even as he sputtered objections to Santana's words.

"What, I'm NOT hitting on him, I wouldn't want to TOUCH him! I'm not gay!"

"You were touching him about a second ago, weren't you?" Dani raised an eyebrow, even as she stroked her fingertips idly over the back of Kurt's hand, and Rachel nodded as she chimed in, "Yes, you certainly were, and I must say I don't care for the way you were looking at our Kurt. He may be very, um, generous with himself, but he certainly isn't free."

Kurt could tell that Santana was biting the inside of her cheeks, struggling not to burst out laughing at this comment, but her eyes were sparking brightly as she nodded, replying, "Hey, it's okay to be in denial to yourself, but you gotta be a little less conspicuous if you're gonna hit on other people's men. Why don't you go ahead and sit down, dude, red really doesn't become you, especially on your face."

The man sputtered for a few more seconds, his eyes darting; now that there were several customers staring in his direction, he appeared to be more disconcerted than ever, and he turned on his heels and almost ran towards the exit. As Santana and Dani both laughed, letting go of Rachel and giving each other a high five and a quick peck on the lips, Rachel remained close to him, looking up at Kurt with concern.

"Are you all right, Kurt?"

"I'm fine," he nodded. Though his heart was still beating a little fast, he felt light, relieved, and so grateful and affectionate towards them all that he gave Rachel a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek before doing the same for both Dani and Santana as well.

"We didn't totally lie to the guy," Santana pointed out, one arm still loosely around his waist as he released her, dimples flickering into view at her sly smile. "You ARE our dude. Just not the way his limited and scary imagination thinks."

And she was right, of course; Kurt knew that he was their "guy," just as the three of them were, and always would be, his girls.


End file.
